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填鴨式教育:一個體制內台灣學生的深刻反思與突破

Updated: Mar 7, 2019


「我真的恨透我自己為何要當18年的好學生。早知道那些日子我就不要拿來唸書,害我現在都不知道自己可以幹嘛。」她在電話裡哭得泣不成聲,哽咽中吐出這幾句聽來極度哀惋悲痛的心聲。我靜靜地等著她哭完,等她心情平復後一字一句把她的煎熬緩緩道來。她,是我的高中同學,同時也是我和許多台灣學生的縮影。


我是一個從小就在填鴨式教育中「成長茁壯」的孩子。聽來有些弔詭,實則非常諷刺。在國小到國中的階段我是一個在此教育制度下的相對受益者,因為只要我想,沒有我讀不來的書,背不了的課文。從小到大,我經常挑燈夜戰,桌上的課本前後翻過又翻,參考書一本寫過一本,學校大小考試考了又考。為了成績單上空泛的數字,我樂此不疲,甚至沾沾自喜佩服自己的毅力。每次段考後等著老師唱名這次的第一名又是熟悉的名字-賴力君。當時的我在這個制度之下游刃有餘,人生的唯一目標就是在每次段考後,從老師手中接過印著「賴力君」三個字的,燙金的獎狀紙。


幸福的日子維持了9年,一直到我高中考上一所歷史悠久的女校開始走下坡。那時的我,想著上了高中以後應該不會太吃力吧!反正我都有實力上前三志願了,未來一定也是勢如破竹吧!然而,我太天真了,我的生活開始變了調,從小到大堅信的信仰也漸漸被消磨殆盡。我慢慢發現我不怎麼會讀書,付出比同學更多的努力卻得不到相同的回報。而且在上高中前我真的沒有特別的興趣,課餘時間就是把功課寫完然後就躺在沙發看電視吃東西。於是,我無法習慣高中多采多姿的課外活動與課業並行,因為這和我長久以來的生活型態相悖。我的成績從此一落千丈,沒記錯的話曾經掉到最後幾名,每個期末還要苦苦算著期末考必須考幾分才不會被當。高二時,最高紀錄是某次期末考竟然有一半的科目都不及格。那段日子是我最憂鬱的日子,因為我發現我長期以來恪守的讀書價值根本是一個虛假的美夢,我恨這個填鴨式教育制度,更痛恨這個從未想過要掙脫這個枷鎖的自己。


你們可能會以為,我的家庭很嚴格。但事實並不然,我爸媽從沒管過我的課業,反而還經常叫我不要讀書。他們對於我成堆的第一名獎狀也很無感,唯一希望的就是我能開心過日子。我之所以過去會過得如此乏味,全都是我甘願被台灣的教育制度框架住。打個比方,我就像馬戲團的獅子被迫關在籠子內,剛開始會掙扎,想改變現況,久而久之就被馴化了。就算籠子的門再度敞開,我也不想踏出籠子面對未知。雖然我一直都非常非常討厭讀書,但是同時我犯賤地無法停止追求好成績帶給我的成就感。而且,讀書可以麻痺我的感官,讓我忘記人生不若讀書一樣簡單,不是只要努力就能達成目標的。就這樣,直到國中我都活在虛假的粉紅泡泡中,但是這些夢幻的泡泡在高中之後就一顆顆破裂,把我摔得遍體鱗傷,摔得無力呼救。


如果有人問我,我最討厭台灣教育制度哪個部分。我絕對會說:沒有時間探索自己,建立興趣、專長與軟實力。也許這件事看來不重要,但是我身為一個大一新鮮人,我深深地體會到這些有多重要。先別說選填志願這件事多麼倉促好了,在大學裡,往往許多能力不是從課本中得到,而是從課外的活動和與人相處的過程中慢慢建立起來。有時候我不得不承認我覺得自己落後別人了,因為那些過去浪費在讀書的時間我應該可以培養實用的能力,例如思辨能力等等。可是我卻揮霍掉那些童年珍貴的時光,如果我們的教育制度能在當時鼓勵我放下死板的書本,起身關心這個世界多一點,對於各項議題能夠在小時候就培養一定的敏感度,懂得發表自己的意見同時聆聽他人的,我相信,現在的我絕對會更好,甚至能發揮正面的影響力,讓身邊的人們因我而更美好。


除了能力,興趣也是不可或缺的。如果說擁有專長能賦予我們自信,那麼興趣肯定是錦上添花的角色。我人生最大的遺憾有兩個:一是沒有從小培養專長和軟實力,例如我前面說的思辨能力;二是沒有機會早點認知自己的興趣。國中時,我就發現自己有點喜歡跳舞,可是當時我太膽小了不敢嘗試去上舞蹈課,因為我的舒適圈內只有讀書和電視,就連發掘新的興趣都是要了我的命。後來高中輾轉跳了又停,因為我還是很懦弱,連自己喜歡的事都無法堅持。當時也真的很慘,無論是讀書或跳舞都沒做好。直到大學,我才真正在跳舞這個領域好好耕耘,只是我好幾次回想著過去充足的時光,如果能早點開始認識跳舞這件事該有多好。我不時會問自己,如果我能早點開始跳,那麼現在跳舞就不會只是興趣,而能變成專長。那麼,我是不是就會更有自信。上了大學,發現過去的我被讀書綁得死死的,然後才發現和許多美好的事物相見恨晚,直至今日還是偶爾覺得遺憾。


有人說,人們在生命盡頭後悔的往往不是曾經做過的事,而是那些未曾做過的事。我人生目前為止最大的後悔,就是把最珍貴的童年時光浪費在無止盡的讀書之中,沒有好好地自我探索與嘗試新事物。到高中以前,人生的唯一目標就是讀書,我用成績定義我的個人價值,我沒想過未來的自己能做什麼,能為這個社會貢獻什麼,國中時,我深信,進入一所好高中好大學,能鞏固我一生的幸福。但是,大學沒有標準答案,那些被我烙印在我腦海的課本內容卻沒有隻字片語教導我該如何發展自己,導致我現在的迷惘。我相信,我絕對不是這個世代唯一有這種情況的孩子,我們的教育制度阻礙了孩子無限的可能性,過長的上課時間與過少彈性,使得學生經常淪為追求分數的奴隸。雖然制度改了又改,課綱修了又修,入學方式即使冠上多元兩個字,但實質上仍然以考試作為主軸。除了僵化的教育制度,來自上一代的「萬般皆下品,唯有讀書高」的觀念也經常壓抑很多學生發展自我的可能性。我希望,政府能夠對症下藥,確實地修改現行的教育制度,無論是上課時數、上課內容、入學管道等等,讓「適性揚才」不再只是空泛的口號。制度改了,理念的變革才能跟進。最終,未來在台灣的教室裡,老師和學生能夠彼此交流問答,學生懂得思辨與解決問題,課外時間從事各種活動探索自我。



我曾經是填鴨式教育制度之下最典型的一個產物,認真讀書是我唯一本分,我深信美好的未來在我的振筆疾書之下會逐漸成形。幸運的是,高中開始我慢慢有接觸一些不同的經歷(多虧我的爸媽永遠支持我),認識了不同的人事物,也更清楚地看見自己的內在,而他們都是啟蒙我的重要因素,讓我學著正視自己的弱點與不足。雖然過程很痛很尷尬,但是感覺會痛就代表我在成長,表示我走出以往的舒適圈,正一步一步型塑出真正屬於我的未來,我的故事。


大學,是我人生終於擺脫填鴨式教育的束縛而能完全地做自己。而我也沒有辜負這個重生的機會,每一天我都認真地生活,認真地嘗試新事物,就是期望在這些種種擦撞出的火花中看見一個更耀眼的自己。現在的我,還不知道自己未來可以做什麼,但是我確定我每天做的努力一直有讓我朝向一個更好的自己前進。我堅信這樣正面的態度能帶領我前往我的應許之地,而我必須首先學習要有耐性,讓時間沈澱出答案。加油吧!迷惘中探路的你和我。



賴力君 (Bonnie ) 20歲,成功大學, LEAD FOR TAIWAN 學員


"I really hate the fact that I wanted to be a good student for 18 years. If I had known, I wouldn't have spent so much time studying, to end up not knowing what I want to do.” She was crying over the phone. I waited for her to let out her emotions and sorrow, one word after another. She is my high school classmate, but she is also “us” – taiwanese students suffering under the cram school system.


I am a product of cram school education. From elementary school to high school, I was thriving under this system, because as long as I wanted to, there was no book that I couldn't read, and a text that I couldn’t learn by heart. I’ve often put up all nighters, with my textbooks on the table, turning one page after another, taking one test after the other… And I did all this for the number on the top of my transcript. I even admired myself for my own perseverance. After each test, I was impatiently waiting for my teacher to say three words: Lai Lijun ; the name of the person who got the highest score (my name). It felt great. It was the only goal I had in life: waiting for the teacher to pronounce these three syllables, and the merit that came with it.


My years of happiness ended when I finally got into an elite high school. At the time, I thought: after so much efforts, maybe I'll be able to breath a little. Unfortunately - I quickly realised this was just the beginning. I also realised that I wasn't as good as I thought at studying. Even if I worked harder than the others, I couldn't get the rewards I was longing for. In addition, I realised I didn't have any interest outside of school and homework. This is when it all went downhill: I went from being the top of the class, to the bottom of the class. Without my good grades, I couldn't be happy, I also started hating this education system, and the fact that I could not let go of these chains that were imprisoning me.


Interestingly, my parents never pushed me to study. They were not the ones asking me to be top of the class. They just wanted me to be happy. What was pushing me to achieve was the box that the taiwanese education system created for me. A little bit like a lion in a circus cage: at the beginning, I wanted to get out, but after a while I felt comfortable in the cage and was domesticated. Even if the door was opened, I didn't want to get out to meet the unknown. I was just too addicted to performing the best in this cage. However, studying numbed my senses, it made me forget that life is just not as easy as cramming: Life doesn't work like that: sometimes you put in efforts but you don't necessarily get what you want and deserve. When I got confronted to this reality, I felt destroyed and powerless.


I hate the fact that I had no time to discover myself, build my interests, build my soft skills. I wish the education system had told me to stop cramming, to care a bit more about the world around me, to be sensitive about issues surrounding me, learn to be self expressed and to listen to others, I think I would be able to have a positive influence on people around me.


(…)


Some people say what we regret in life is not what we did, but what we didn't do. What I regret so far is to have spent so much time studying during my early childhood: I didn’t try to understand myself or to experience new things. Before high school, my only goal was to study. my grades were what gave me a sense of worth. I never thought about what I wanted to do in the future or what I wanted to do for society.”


(…)


Now that I am in university I am finally learning to let go of the cramming mentality. I am learning to be myself. Everyday I try to live to the fullest, I try new things, and I try to find my better self. I still don't know what I will do in the future, but I know that this positivity will take me where i want to be.


Lai Lijun - Bonnie



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